Life Cycle
When Someone Dies…
I doubt most of us can ever really be prepared for death. But we can be prepared to support our loved ones in their grieving, by learning about how our Jewish rituals wisely escort us through these liminal times.
Stages of Mourning
Parents, siblings, and children are the “official” mourners according to Jewish tradition. During the stage between death and burial, mourners’ focus is on honoring the remains, and the transition, of the deceased. One important consideration at this stage is the level of Jewish ritual that will be observed for the body. There is a sacred Jewish society, known as a Chevra Kadisha, whose members take upon themselves the mitzvah of shmirah – sitting with the body, and reciting Psalms, until burial. The Chevra Kadisha also will prepare a body for burial with taharah – a loving wash, personal prayers, and wrapping in the traditional burial shroud.
During this time between death and burial (which is called Aninut), mourners focus on logistics of the funeral, burial, and Shiva, as well as writing an obituary and place for donations in memory of the deceased. The most important thing that friends can do at this stage is organize to bring meals to the family, and help with logistical issues such as getting extended family members gathered, planning and communicating about Shiva.
After the burial, the focus moves from honoring the deceased to comforting the mourners. Upon returning from the burial site, everyone washes their hands at the door, marking the return from a place of death to a place of life; and a seven-day Shiva candle is lit. Mourners then share in a “meal of consolation” which traditionally includes simple foods, often round (such as hard boiled eggs and bagels) to remind us of the cyclical nature of life and death.
How to pay a Shiva Call
Shiva means “seven,” implying seven days of staying at home and receiving visitors’ words of comfort. Many people in our day feel more comfortable observing three days of Shiva instead of seven. Shiva includes an actual service (morning or evening) – which means if it’s called for 7:00, be there by 7:00 – followed typically by eating & shmoozing. It is an opportunity for the mourners to say Kaddish within a minyan – which is why it is a mitzvah for anyone and everyone in the community to go to Shiva, regardless of your relationship with the mourners. It can be profoundly comforting for the mourners to be surrounded by community at such a time of loss.
The etiquette in a Shiva home is different than a social gathering. It is uncomfortable for both mourners and visitors. Friends and relatives can support the mourners in three ways: 1. Help the mourner be a mourner, by taking care of the hosting functions like food, dishes, trash, arranging chairs, and answering the door. 2. Encourage conversation about the deceased; it is appropriate to listen, and to avoid moving the conversation away from the deceased for too long a time or in an inappropriate direction; 3. Help ensure that there is a minyan or more, so the mourners feel the active support of the community.
Upon leaving the side of a mourner, one recites, “May God comfort you among the mourners of
Final Thoughts
A donation to a philanthropic cause in the name of the deceased is another loving way to honor someone’s memory. There are also books that may help provide comfort to a mourner after all the relatives and friends have gone home. One I particularly recommend is Mourning & Mitzvah: A Guided Journal to Walking the Mourners Path Through Grief to Healing, by Anne Brener.
As always, I welcome further conversation on this or any topic. Many thanks to Rabbi Leonard Gordon for material from The Centre Call that was adapted for this article. L’vracha, Rabbi Debra Rappaport
